How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The Compass
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean