Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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thank god
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I’d love this…lol
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
the three branches of government
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*