mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
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My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.