[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
i love meeting boys on tinder
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he