I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
i really liked this one
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
he chose this
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.