my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
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HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.