*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Lmaoo 😂
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.