Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going