Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Breaking news:
the only organized thing in my life is crime
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Not all heroes wear capes.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Challenge accepted.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.