as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
LA today:
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.