I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
boat question
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed