My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
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I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
PARKOUR
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
O Wise One….
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.