If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.