Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues