UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
i wish we could shoplift online
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.