Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”