I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.