I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Still a very good boi….
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line