Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Got him!
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*