Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.