I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
podcasts
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
pat pat
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.