ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Running from your problems is cardio .
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it