Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild