The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If looks could kill
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Lmao 🤣
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift