It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
You Might Also Like
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.