Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
it is time once again
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Jupiter
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]