She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If looks could kill
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Education is vital
describing stardew valley
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone