A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?