run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.