If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
yeah 😭
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.