Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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When can I start eating bats again.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.