*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Hard not to take this personally
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words