That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”