never forget
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Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I know karate and tons of other words.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.