9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Terribly Tuesday.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.