I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”