went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”