I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
So creative 😂
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
somebody come look at this
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.