Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.