Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Sorry not sorry.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
How wrong was this guy?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.