are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.