Get off my horse you stupid moon
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Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Jupiter
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!