Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.