There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]