Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.