telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
i- i did not expect this
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
a lot to unpack here
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.