Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.