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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….