The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.