Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.